one month.

tomorrow is june 5th, which means that it will be exactly one month since my friend everett died. it's honestly hard to believe that a month has already passed.  i feel like it was just yesterday that one of the worst days of my life occurred.  i can't get over it still.

i have good days and bad days.  last week was an especially hard week and i almost broke down crying at dinner with friends one night because they were discussing something that triggered a memory of him.  i think of him and his death everyday, some days more then others, and while i am coping with his death better, i'm not over it and i know i never will be.

it's a lot harder being here at home then being at school.  many of my friends here aren't aware of how much eve's death affected me.  because they didn't go through it like my friends at school did, they don't understand.  they're supportive, but it's still hard to talk about him to people who didn't know him and his personality.

truth be told, i'm still not over the "what if" stage of grieving.  the what if we checked on him an hour earlier?  the what if someone went back to his dorm with him?  the what if it had been one of us instead of him?

the problem with what if's is that it can go on for hours.  the only other deaths i've experienced was that of my great grandmothers and my pop a few years ago.  all of these deaths were expected deaths, and while it doesn't make the grieving any less it does make the death easier to come to terms with.

the problem with ev's death is that it wasn't expected.  he simply didn't wake up.  i saw him one minute and then next time i saw him was at his funeral in the casket.  it wasn't an illness.  it wasn't cancer.  it wasn't suicide.  it wasn't a shooting, or murder, or any of the other millions of ways someone can die.

i never revealed it on the blog, but it was alcohol.  something that many of us abuse at some point in our life or another.  and we never think anything will happen to us because it's such a big part of lives.  wine with dinner.  a cold beer by the pool.  cocktail hour, happy hour, weddings, engagement parties, christmas parties... etc.  but ev died from something so preventable that it's hard to accept.

the only thing i can make sense of right now is that ev is one amazing angel up in heaven right now.  and i guess remembering that is going to help me during this grieving process.

please keep ev's family and friends in your hearts and prayers.