thoughts about fear.

for me, the word fear is crippling.  it's the worst thing imaginable.  it's not height that will keep you from jumping out of a plane, or the depth of the ocean itself that will keep you from swimming.  it's simply fear.  it's the thoughts in your own mind.  fear, is really what we create.  

to me, the scariest thing is fear.  i am afraid of fear and what my mind will think is fearful.

for my new readers, i was involved in a pretty bad car crash in october.  i was t-boned on the side of my car while coming home from the food store around seven pm on a tuesday evening.  luckily, the injuries myself and my two best friend acquired were not severe- some deep bruising and concussions.  

we were incredibly lucky, and everyday since i have been incredibly grateful that it wasn't worse.  

however, it's the cops words that he said to us that night that replay through my head.  

you're lucky it wasn't a truck.  if it had been a truck you'd be dead.

for weeks after the accident i cried randomly, over the simple thought that had it been a truck that night, myself or my friends or all three of us or the girl who hit us, one of us could have died. 

the accident was not my fault, but i couldn't help but sob hysterically and feel responsible for the concussions that my friends had.  i was the one driving.  knowing that someone could have died left me really shaken up.

i know this feeling stems from what happened in may.  again, because i know there are some new readers, this past may one of my good friends died from alcohol poisoning on our last weekend of freshman year.  ever since, the idea of death has been ever too real.  people die and life's not fair.  i know that now.

the truth is, i hadn't driven since october.  i refused to step in the driver's seat of a car.  i've relied on the kind acts of friends and family to take me where i need to go.  the thought or mention of me driving made me cry hysterically (apparently there's a lot of that lately).

anytime i considered it, i thought of what the cop said.

if it had been a truck you'd be dead.  

i thought of the death of my friend.  of how life changes in an instant.  

it almost makes me want to sit in a bubble for the rest of my life.

it's amazing how fear can hold you back.  it's not even real.  it's not touchable, it's not an object, it's just a word.  it's just your mind keeping you from doing something.

but on sunday i stepped in the car.  the same car that saved my life in a way.  

i put my seatbelt on, opened a window, turned on the music.

and i drove.

and as i drove, for the very first time since that night in october, i realized something.

fear will hold you back.  it will consume you and it will ruin you.  

you know what? 

the only life i want to live is moving forward.