the guilt.

i haven't written about the death of my friend in over a month.  i think that goes to show that i'm coping.  slowly, but surely i am coping with his death. 

the problem is i'm at home.  away from the place where it happened.  but in a few weeks, i'll be back.  living in the dorm across from the one where he died.  going to the dining hall that is literally under his room.  walking across the quad that he used to scream hi to me across.  

it's going to be hard.  that last week at school after his death but before my finals were over was terrible.  everything was a reminder of him. i felt like i was locked in a small room with no way to escape.

ashley wrote an amazing piece about guilt in regards to knowing someone who died and then moving on.  her's is about what a hero her brother-in-laws best friend was.  he died protecting his girlfriend in the colorado movie shooting.  i encourage everyone to read the post she wrote about him.  it brought me to tears.  

her post about guilt, though, hit home for me.  it's been almost three months since ev died.  the initial shock is gone.  i'm not crying every night.  i'm beginning to accept the fact that i'm not going to see him when i go back in august.  but i feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.  i feel guilty when i go out with friends and have fun.  

for instance, tomorrow i'm going out to celebrate my birthday with five of my friends from school.  two of them, kate and kat, were his best friends.  if we were at school right now, he would be with us on a friday night.  he always stopped by.  

like ashley's guilt, which has to do with the fact that any one of us could have been in a movie theater that was a random target, any one of us could have died in the way ev died.  

ev just drank too much.  he had one too many beers. and because of that he didn't make it past his 19th birthday.  he won't be going back in two weeks to be an orientation leader like he had planned.  he won't get to go to the fencing team tournaments this year.  he won't get to join the frat he wanted.  he won't go on spring break with us, or graduate with us in three years.  he won't get to have the family he really want.

and it makes me so sad because it could have seriously been any of us.  

but it wasn't.

and sometimes i don't get why.  

trust me, i know it's not healthy to think of the whys and what ifs and the hows.  but i do think about it.

i'm guessing this is just the next stage of coping.  the guilt.

but i really am hoping that one day i'll be able to understand why he died.  or i'll at least be able to look at pictures of him without tearing up.