I Am Scared

this week was hard.

too hard.

it wasn't just the stress from school.

i can deal with that.  i've done it before.

i mean, yes, applying to college and tacking tons of work is challenging.

so is swim practices.

but it doesn't compare to real pain.

i've been so emotional this week.

stress and "the time of the month" coming does that.

i had way too many breakdowns.

in my bed at night.

at my desk doing homework.

in the shower.

while talking to my best friend.

people look at me like i should be happy.

and 90% of the time i am.

i have everything i could want.

i'm doing what I love and having the time of my life.

almost.

i'm scared.

not of the future.

not of change anymore.

i'm embracing it.

i'm learning once again to love it.

i'm scared, however, of people.

not terrorists.  not murders.

life is full of the unknowing and that's not what scares me.

what scares me is the people i see everyday.

my friends.

the boy.

to make a long story short,

the last 4 years haven't been easy.

don't get me wrong, i am extremely grateful.

many people have worse problems.

i know i'm lucky.

it hasn't even been health complications like the surgery one year ago that has scared me.

people have hurt me.

a lot.

i've lost all trust in people minus my family and best friend.

if someone says the miss me and love me, i don't believe them.

i don't want to be that cynical person who can't believe in love.

i've been cheated on, lied to.

i've had my heart broken.

i've been used and discarded.

i can't do that anymore.

so i keep a distance.

i pretend like it doesn't matter.

i pretend being lonely is ok.

i say i miss him being across the country at college.

but truthfully,

i don't know if this would work if he were here.

i don't know if i could do it.

the distance i keep between myself and people like him isn't healthy.

but it protects me.

i don't want to be protected.

i want to be able to enjoy relationships.

i don't want to feel like i'm waiting to get hurt.

but i don't know how to get back to the way i once was.

i really don't.

and that is what scares me more then anything.

*I know this is really personal.  

but this is my blog.  and sometimes you need to write things out to heal.